Laughter

My Osteopath told me last Saturday, that laughter is great medicine and would inject some great positivity into my life and perk me up in my pain.  This was as she recommended me to watch the movie "Pitch perfect".  I groaned and replied saying "once it doesn't hurt to laugh, I'll watch it.".

In my previous post, I wrote about the extent of pain that spiraled me into a black out.  After that wake up call, I realized that it was futile to try to overcome the episode on my own.  After all, this condition is caused by my very own immune system army going rebel and attacking myself.  How much could I hope that my body would then realize its mistake and stop the attack?  I didn't know and I wasn't ready to find out, so on I went back onto 90mg arcoxia. 

When I think back, I think this is the most arcoxia I've taken... And I honestly like to think that I bear with the worst possible pain before giving in to those pills.  So this is telling me that things aren't getting any better.

After 6 consecutive days of popping arcoxia (and by the way, still being able to feel the dull pain through it), I was ready to stop.  Last Friday (almost a week ago now), I stopped.  Slowly but surely, the pain eased back in as the effect of the drug wore off.  But I persevered.

Just to backtrack a little, because I want to highlight a bit of background.  In my first major flare up, my sacroiliac joints were the most affected, impacting my ability to move short distances from living to dining room.  In fact, I was totally delibitated and struggled to move around.  That time, I took one week off work cos I could hardly move. 

The second time I had a major flare up, my spine was affected the most.  The main hindrance was getting in and out of resting positions.  Sleeping was a nightmare because it hurt.  Waking up in the morning was a worse nightmare because it hurt more!  But after nice long hot showers in the morning, I was able to function and walk about stiffly all day.  That time, my ribs felt sore and breathing was difficult because they got really stiff too and restricted my rib cage expansion.

Right now, I'm experiencing my third major flare up.  The first incidence of it was in mid - March, almost 3 months ago.  In between I saw a new rheumatologist, went back for regular TCM and found an osteopath. 

The rheumatologist did a blood test and found my inflammation markers reading to be super high and pronounced my x-ray results as "Bad Bad BAD!!!", all while pointing at different parts of the spine and SI joints.  She then tried to put me on the TNF blockers, but they cost SGD$3000 a month, and I had to self administer for at least a year.  I wasn't too turned on by that idea. 

My TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) acupuncture doctor always looks at me sympathetically and asks if I'm in pain, and after each session asks if I feel better.  I like her because she cares.  My problem is I understand too little of this process, and all I know is that TCM is not meant to be miraculous.  It's supposed to be regular treatment which target at the root of the problem, which also means slow healing/recovery.  Each treatment is accompanied by a week's worth of powdered Chinese herbs to consume on a daily basis.  They don't taste great, but they are good for you.

Finally, I found an osteopath after being recommended by my cell group friend to try it out.  Osteopathy is an alternative form of treatment which emphasizes the physical manipulation of the body's muscle tissue and bones (quoting from Wikipedia).  She's really nice and I always feel better after seeing her.  Plus, she gives great advice too. 

Anyway, back to my third major flare up which I am experiencing now.  I'd gone off arcoxia last Friday and by Monday night I was back in hell.  I had a completely sleepless night because every slight move triggered indescribable pain and woke me.  I never knew this was possible, but each time I swallowed, it hurt!  This is because this flare up is attacking mostly my neck and trust me, it's impossible to find a comfortable sleeping position.  On Tuesday morning, I woke up in tears of pain.  Lo and behold, as I squirmed myself out of bed, I realized my SI joint on right side was also in pain!  Hooray.  Luckily, a long hot shower and an agonizing walk with the dog later, I could pretend to be normal and go to work. 

But it has really been a huge struggle just going to work.  I work in sales and a lot of my job requires me to go into client meetings with a laptop.  When I look back on those days where I persevered, went into work in pain, carried the laptop in pain and conducted a meeting in pain, I'm not sure how I did it.  You know, I hadn't used the F-word to swear in a long time... But when I was sharing my difficulties with a dear colleague of mine (who knows of my condition), I swore.  I said, "this is really tough trying so hard to keep my performance up.  I want to pull my sales numbers up, and that means more demos, and more demos means more meetings where I have to bring the laptop.  The laptop is F-ing heavy, I can't manage it!" ... As my eyes brimmed with tears.... 

Yes, very dramatic.  But I was really just right at the edge of losing it.

And by the way, the laptop is one of the lightest ones around. It just feels like a tonne when you're riddled with pain with every step and turn of your head.

On the BRIGHT side, this morning I awoke with a smile on my face.  Because, somehow, the pain reduced to a dull ache and I could actually walk briskly!!! The simple pleasures of life. 

And I'm one step closer to laughing. 

Smiling this morning changed my whole day.  I was more positive and chirpy and I had hope! Hope that I will get through this episode.